When you grow up in a culture that teaches you to always try to get your way, the idea of compromise seems counterintuitive, to say the least. But when it comes to relationships – whether they’re between spouses/partners, besties, or parents and their kids – ‘healthy’ compromise is just that: healthy.
Communication Is Key
You need to know your partner’s position on an issue before you can reach a consensus on it. In terms of seriousness, this can range from whether the two of you go dancing or stay home on the weekend to whether you will have children. And the only way you can know what your partner feels is to listen to – and actually hear them. That sort of active listening can lay the groundwork for a stronger connection.
Couples therapists Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt outline an intensive form of active listening, called ‘Imago Dialogue’, in their 2019 book Getting the Love You Want: A Dialogue for Couples. Their core idea is to listen to your partner on an issue without interruption and paraphrase their ideas back to them to acknowledge your understanding. The structured nature of this exchange greatly reduces misunderstandings and promotes compromise on an issue because you both have a clear understanding of your opinions on it.
Identify Your Core Values
Your core values are the principles that guide your actions; they’re the lines in the sand you won’t cross. These need to remain intact when it comes to relationship compromises. Otherwise, you are simply giving in, which inevitably leads to unhappiness and resentment.
The therapeutic complexity of this idea is illustrated by well-known marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman’s five ‘love languages’: acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. Outlined in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Chapman’s believes most relationship problems can be solved by communicating in the way your partner can best hear you. There’s been criticism recently that his concepts are not backed up by science, with one o -quoted story from the book – about a patient being counseled to initiate sex with her husband as a relationship compromise – being particularly cringe-worthy.
What that looks like, though, may vary, based on the friend, magazine article, search engine, psychologist, or therapist you consult. But it is essentially about meeting the other person (for our purposes, let’s say ‘partner’) halfway on issues of contention without surrendering what relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls your ‘inflexible’ needs. Healthy compromise is difficult, and best attempted when neither partner is in a state of crisis. Only when you both feel safe can you attempt this labour-intensive form of emotional work.
However, sharing values and long-term goals can facilitate forward motion in the relationship. On that note, psychologist and research professor Dr. Terri Orbuch suggests that partners have regular discussions about tough topics – like children, money, and religion – to help understand each other’s points of view.
Practice Empathy
Being able to understand how your partner feels about an issue of dispute – i.e. empathy – is a cornerstone of healthy compromise. This is because empathy fosters emotional connections and reduces conflict, which allows us to see both sides of an issue. Indeed, couples with high levels of empathy have fewer and less intense conflicts than those who don’t.
A popular analogy for this storage of empathy is psychologist Dr. William Harley’s ‘Love Bank’, in which couples ‘deposit’ goodwill via words and actions while avoiding negative behaviours (‘withdrawals’). Being empathetic builds up a couple’s Love Bank, which makes compromise easier in challenging times.
Identify Win-Win Scenarios
Most of us think of compromise as settling for less than we desire. It’s in the definition of the very word. But it’s possible to reframe compromise as a win-win for you both. In the business world, Stephen R. Covey’s best-seller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People emphasizes the desire to seek mutually beneficial outcomes in all interactions – a.k.a. win-win scenarios. Admittedly, this may require the services of a third party to identify the core of what each of you wants.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle to healthy compromise is acknowledging that it’s a sign of a strong relationship, not personal weakness. But being able to hear how your partner feels about a topic, acknowledging those feelings, and being able to work towards a mutually acceptable solution without anger or recrimination is a true accomplishment. The result is a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.
Sean Plummer | Contributing Writer
