Think about what brings you the greatest joy or the deepest sorrow, and there’s a good chance that it’s wrapped around the relationships in your life. If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, to understand that your success in the relationship is a choice. Your success in the relationship is a skill that can be improved upon. If you want to know how to make a relationship work, look for inspiration from those who have vibrant and passionate relationships. It’s inevitable that every union faces its own unique problems. Deciding to do the work on yourself to be the best partner for your spouse starts with understanding what you both need from the relationship.

First, recognize that every relationship has an invisible “Love Bank Account,” into which you make deposits or withdrawals. Every time you do something your partner likes, it’s a deposit; every time you hurt their feelings or let them down, it’s a withdrawal. Like any bank account, if you build it up with many deposits, your relationship can more easily withstand the occasional withdrawal, as your partner will be more likely to be forgiving and understanding. However, if you’ve been a jerk for weeks, months, or even years on end, and even the smallest withdrawal will send it into overdraft – and your partner into a rage. The key is to deliberately make as many deposits as often as possible and avoid withdrawals. However, you need to really understand what constitutes a deposit for your partner. To do that, it helps to know their “love language.”

The language of love has multiple dialects. Though English is spoken around the world, Canadians may have a difficult time understanding Brits or Aussies. In a similar vein, you may be acting in a way that you feel is loving towards your partner, but they may not be getting your message. In his book The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman describes each of these love languages:

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” – Tony Robbins

Words of Affirmation: This means saying nice things to your partner, such as “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.”

Acts of Service: This refers to doing nice things, like cleaning the house or picking your partner up at the airport late at night.

Receiving Gifts: This signifies that while you were away from your partner, you were thinking of them. It could be a single rose left on their desk at work. The price of the gift is not (usually) important; it could be a $5 fridge magnet or a book that you thought they’d enjoy.

Quality Time: This doesn’t have to be an expensive date; it can simply be sitting on the couch together watching a movie. It could be going for a walk or staying up after the kids are in bed to chat about the day.

Physical Touch: Not restricted to sex. It includes hugging, holding hands, spooning in bed, or even wrestling or tickling. 

An engineer tried his hand at being more romantic. He wrote out a romantic note (words of affirmation) and bought a bouquet of roses (receiving gifts). He left them on the kitchen counter for his wife to discover when she came home. She eventually walked through the door, walked upstairs to his office and gave him a kiss hello – certainly not the reaction he was expecting. He asked her if she had seen what he had done downstairs in the kitchen, and she replied that she hadn’t and walked back downstairs to investigate. After a moment, he heard her call out with glee. She ran back upstairs, threw her arms around him in a passionate embrace, and proclaimed, “You took out the garbage!” Not surprisingly, the engineer was a little stunned.

He assumed that he knew how to romance his wife without realizing that her idea of romance was quite different from his. It turns out that acts of service was her love language, not gifts or words of affirmation. So he started taking out the garbage regularly, and his wife was ecstatic.

It’s critical that you understand what your partner’s love language is. A great question to ask your partner is, “What have I done in the past that has made you feel the most loved?” Whatever their answer is, make a note of it, and plan to do that as often as reasonably possible. If they say, “When you took me to Hawaii for our honeymoon,” it’s probably not realistic to do that on a weekly basis. The hidden danger is that they will mention activities that you might think are pointless or unenjoyable. It doesn’t matter – as long as you aren’t breaking the law, you should do them all the time. If your spouse says, “I just like to talk at the end of the day,” then schedule time to talk. If they say, “When you watch the game with me,” do more of that. Maybe they say they feel loving towards you when you play with the kids, leave a romantic note on their pillow, pick up the groceries, hold their hand while walking in the mall, or buy them their favourite perfume. Whatever it is, do more of it, do it consistently, and never stop doing it.

On a final note, understand how and when you feel the most loved. Take some time to identify those things that fill your “Love Bank Account” and have an open conversation with your partner about what moves your needle. You may wish to go first, and spend a week of being loving with no strings attached and no commitments on their side. Sweep them off their feet first, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how open they’ll be to reciprocating.

CJ Calvert | Contributing Writer